From the Lab

When it comes to relationships, many of us conduct ourselves like mad scientists.

We get close enough to someone to observe them a bit, and maybe to collect a specimen or two -- the stray hair of a passing glance, the chipped fingernail of a short conversation, the dried spittle from a shared laugh. And then we scurry off to our labs!
Once there, we measure, take notes, and compare our fleeting observations with all of the grand theories and hypotheses that we've made. What we don't realize is that we've collected evidence with huge subjectivity. Our process is usually self-serving, no matter whether we gain pleasure or pain. We've scraped off only what we WANT to grow in the petri dish of "the truth;" not a random sample that might prove unmanageable in the controlled environment of assumption. So we end up jumping from factoid to factoid, connecting the dots willy nilly and coming up with some rather wild conclusions.
My junior high and high school diaries are filled with examples of these misled scientific experiments! I can trace the arc of dashed hopes, silenced declarations of love, and small triumphs in my meticulous collection of specimens and bold hypotheses. OMG! Today, he passed me a totally random note he had written during fourth period, and he made up a special nickname for me -- it MUST be LOVE!!!! While these moments were usually nothing more than made-up flights of fancy, I sometimes brought on days or weeks of self-doubt, suffering, and dissonance. Guessing about the guy in my life made me less confident about who I really was.
These days, I'm a bit more subtle. Ever the mad scientist, I've shed my lab coat and opted to dress and behave like the civvies. On the inside, though, I'm sometimes still caught in the egoic mindset of believing that I can actually "know" someone from the sliver of a specimen I possess. What comfort can I gain from such faulty reasoning? It's usually stripped away as soon as my heart catches up with my mind. My heart knows that true knowledge of the other person begins with wonderment, curiosity, and a willingness to stay open (even when it means that all of my theorizing, notes, and grand conclusions go OUT THE WINDOW!). My heart knows that "knowing" starts with stilling my mind, and listening carefully to my own simple truths.
Then, I can integrate my endless observations and hypotheses with a dose of perspective. I can ask myself some powerful questions: "What am I collecting evidence for in this moment?" "What do I WANT to be true?" "What am I convinced I already know about this person?"
And, for a moment, I can disarm the mad scientist and invite the genuine "me" to gaze in wide-eyed wonderment at the beautiful chaos.